| chaos |
[May. 30th, 2008|05:08 pm] |
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I don't think you'll ever know just how much I loved you. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 10th, 2008|03:27 pm] |
The following words are factual.
I am moving away from Cortes tomorrow.
I am moving to Victoria tomorrow.
I am very excited to see my friends there.
I am very sad to leave my friends here.
I am looking forward to coming back.
I will come back.
I am utterly determined to stop being so damned fat.
I am aching for love.
And so it is. |
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| still breathing |
[May. 6th, 2008|07:30 pm] |
two weeks t(w)o-day
[Feb. 16th, 2007|07:28 pm]
soon i will be gone. i am preparing as best i can, but thoughts of loneliness still crop up regularly. my cabin is waiting, and i am clutching almost desperately to what i have now. instead of enjoying time and company, i moan to myself about how much i will miss 'this'.
and then there's the other side. the side that aches for a chance to listen to myself and find out what i've really got to say and do. i will sigh and relax and bathe in the ocean and solve the riddle of the seashell.
and then, and now,
balancing act #1.
funny how life repeats itself. i am sick with grief and fear. i'm at a loss and terrified. i miss jesse already. i miss cortes already.
please stop melting, life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2008|11:16 am] |
Amazing.
I just realized I'm a janitor (with big keyring and all), who lives in a trailer.
I'm awestruck by these facts of my life.
At least I'm still having fun. |
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| In The Dead of Night |
[Apr. 27th, 2008|06:20 pm] |
Love Bites.
I'm just going to deal with it all gracefully. I'm doing a fine job, considering all of it. These things pass. I'm looking forward to Vic again, in a month or so I hope. The world is refreshing itself.
I'm tired of vomit.
I miss him... And him, already... And her, always.
I'm going home to make baklava and watch movies in my muumuu and cape.
Hahahaha, how could I fail to enjoy this life, even for a minute! |
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| This Fire That Burns Inside |
[Apr. 24th, 2008|10:02 am] |
It must be satisfied.
My next two weeks involve the following:
- packing my stuff up
- moving to squirrel cove
- cleaning my cabin
- cleaning my trailer
- training for two new jobs
- housesitting for 3 weeks at Jesse's
- saying goodbye to Grey
- 2 trips to the hospital
- 1 hour bike rides to and from work at night
- restless nights
My last two weeks involved the following:
- vomit
- castle d&d party
- guinness stew
- visits with orc friends
- archery
- throne building
- fire making
- mead drunk from horn
- 1 trip to the doctor
- sorrow
I am trying so hard to stay sane and level. It's all piling up so fast. I ache for peace and ease. It will come back. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2008|02:51 pm] |
FUCKED.
I need something stable. Every aspect of my life is being stretched to breaking.
FOUL.
My life has exploded. |
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| Heart of storms |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|02:43 pm] |
5 days without power, and it's over. pout. I really enjoyed it. Gathering firewood, gathering water, candles, cooking on a woodstove, going to bed early, reading, reading, reading. Well, back to microwaves and computation devices and electric light. It was fun while it lasted, and I'm sure it will come again.
Grey is not here and I'm a few shades of lonely. I should just clean my house and make use of the time.
Inane update by Meg.
Thank you for your patronage. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|12:01 pm] |
I spat in the eye of the tyrant and called him by his true name. All he could do was release me.
First time fired and very very very well earned. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|03:04 pm] |
Grey and I moved into a lovely cabin 3 times the size of my one room for less than twice the rent ($560, all included). It has skylights and a sleeping loft and a balcony (AND a patio) and a thoroughly effective woodstove and a great view. The kittens love it.
My parents came for a visit last week and helped us move all our shite and bought us obscene amounts of groceries. I have been cooking a lot.
I am in a very very odd brainspace right now and I don't think the internet is anywhere to spew it.
I miss Jen and Scott.
mope. |
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| Rose F(l)avoured Rags |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|12:08 pm] |
Dreams last night were numerous and intense. See below:
1. Was in a gang of hobos, we had killed a prostitute and were eating her flesh on a mountaintop. I was ranting and guilty and chanting "next we'll be eating children, children, children... etc." while deciding life was too good for my hooker eating self and gently threw myself off the mountain into the abyss.
2. Had a dream within a dream (no, not marriage) wherein I had expanded to the size of the universe and once reaching such a size, devoured myself into nothing... three times.
3. Rode a bicycle the wrong way through traffic, very quickly, narrowly avoiding many cars to Jim and Bunny's place. Scott and Tiberius and Bonnie were walking away. Jen and her baby (!) and partner were still there. We visited for a while and I saw boobs.
4. Two construction working type men getting raunchy with each other (shitty assholes and all) until their boss showed up and joined them, I promptly faded away.
I think I'm stressed to the point of just sitting still and hoping it fades. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2007|01:04 pm] |
So despite piles of shit accumulating in most areas of my life, I am still able to have fun.
Yesterday after an obscenely melodramatic crying fit in the courtyard, Jesse and I went to the beach with Dan and Thea. I got naked and swam into the setting sun. And the water was so warm. Then Thea and I sat together and watched the sunset. I think she liked it.
Today I bought heaps of fresh fruit and am going blackberry picking, followed by a swim in the lake, a bikeride and a round of discgolf with Grey and Devin.
Tomorrow I am fixing a toilet. |
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| Death and Dying |
[Aug. 13th, 2007|01:55 pm] |
This morning I awoke at 6:37am, my clock is precisely seven minutes fast. My dad had a massive heart attack on a bus and died at 7:30am (GMT) five years ago today... I had spent the night at my boyfriend's house, my mother called me early in the morning and I thought for sure she was angry with me. She came by and told me on the doorstep, "your dad is dead". My face didn't know what to do, as I digested such news, and so my mouth awkwardly spread into a smile. She hugged me and said that we had to go and plan his funeral.
We went to a restaurant beside a Pink Flamingo hotel. I don't remember much. I took out my tongue piercing. I called my best friend and told her what had happened, crying insanely while looking at bikers looking at me. She cried for my pain, never knowing my father. I was with her the last time I saw him, on a bus. He was gaunt and pale and oh-so-old-looking, I was horrified. "Hi Kiddo"....... "hey dad".... I slunk to the back of the bus and felt my heart in every little part of my body. I couldn't breathe. I tried to ignore him as he watched me, pain in his eyes. I hadn't seen him in years; he hadn't a home, and the courts thought it inappropriate for us to meet at the library and hang out in the park. I got off the bus at the mall, and sank, sank, sank - falling to the ground in despair at my cowardice and his situation. I shook and cried and could not be consoled. I took that bus in fear for 2 more years.
The next time I saw him, he was neatly dressed in suit and tie, ashen and cold. I held his hands and begged him back to life. I took pictures of his body and touched his eyelids. I kissed him. The funeral home asked if I had any special requests, I told them to give him a ponytail, no matter how small or insignificant - he always wanted a ponytail, hahaha. He had a ponytail when they burned him.
He hated religion, he had his baptism revoked. When my mom and aunt were identifying his body in the hospital, they were discussing the funeral. My mom said he wouldn't have wanted a priest - my (catholic) aunt said that funerals were for the living and there should be a priest. The bible on his bedside table tumbled into the garbage can when she said that, no one was even close to the table, hahaha.
After all the funeral business, when I was going through his belongings, I found twenty five dollars. His thermos of coffee had spilled in his backpack (that they gave me) and I cannot smell stale coffee without seeing death's hand waving. I got a box of cigars that were his, big fat ones, ones to smoke with a glass of port. Carley and I went to the sidewalk by my house and tried to smoke one... not knowing how. We both got violently ill after 1/3 of the revolting stick.
I have spoken to him a few times since his death, he has once replied and changed my life. I had a feeling once that he had stepped into my skin and was checking out my life, I sat in the back row and let him. I cannot say I do not miss him.
He is dead and we are dying. |
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| Balance in all things |
[Aug. 12th, 2007|05:30 pm] |
A bird shit on me the other day, my grandmother believes that this is a sign of good luck. The past few days would suggest that maybe such ideas are in place to merely make you feel better about the fact that you got shit on.
I am exhausted by these days and my inability to accept such twists of fate. I am in love with a man I don't know and have very little hope of ever knowing. I have questions, he has no answers other than smiles and gestures of hand and eye.
I made gingerbread today as company on a rainy day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2007|03:20 pm] |
UPDATE OF UNEARTHLY AWESOMENESS
Jess and Shawn came to visit and we had a pretty radass time. Swimming naked, eating lots, drinking more. Tripped through the woods and swam in the sunset glow on the ocean...under the canopy of a maple tree. Good, chill times... no work.
I picked up my new kitten Hail, he/she is easily the most ridiculously cute kitten in the entire realm of kitteny cuteness. My life is a toilet paper commercial.
I am engaged in custody disputes with someone who can't spell appreciate, scoff, scowl, scorn. BOO HISS Gift-taker-backer!
I have 3 fucking jobs and no fucking time. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE? (Saving up money to move to the mountains!)
Other than that, I'm fat and spend lots of time naked. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2007|03:30 am] |
i am in hate
my job is ruining everything
i must change this
very soon to now |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2007|02:19 pm] |
I have things to say.
Oh wait, no I don't.
Pictures will suffice.
Before:
After:
 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2007|04:00 pm] |
AHAHAHAHAHA
What a fun weekend.
I went to Janet's birthday. Played volleyball (and ruled). Failed horribly at the ping pong tourney, but still had a delightful time. Decided at 4am that shots of whisky were a good idea when I had to work at 8am. Burned Kieran's chest hair, burned ping pong balls, handstand wrestled, defrosted Jess's placenta in a double boiler, decided shots of placenta blood and gin would be amusing (it tasted sweet like cream... and my shots were done as a blood oath to protect and adore Thea-May as long as I am at her side and able), wrestled some more, gave a blow job, passed OUT.
Woke up at 830 and hauled my ass to work... my boss could smell the booze from 8 feet away. I was clearly still drunk. As I nodded off on the bow of the boat, he decided I was a liability and it would be in everyone's best interest if I slept it off. Gratefully, I walked back to Kieran and Jan's and passed out again.
Then it was Gamble's birthday and I stayed around to laugh at the kids.
It's rather rewarding to know that I can socialize without close friends to rely on as crutches. I made some solid allies this weekend and am quite pleased with the whole situation.
Victoria in one week!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2007|01:19 pm] |
I'M AN AUNTIE!
Jessie now has a beautiful daughter (as yet un-named) born yesterday (May 16th) at 7:23pm. She's a fat baby (2 weeks overdue) at 8lbs 9.5 ounces. Delivered by c-section. She's amazingly beautiful and calm and healthy and oh so sweet. Jessie and Dan are both doing great and are eager to come home.
HUZZAH!
Awe inspiring.
In other news, I haven't pooped in two days and must tend to that... now.
See you in 2 weeks.
Meg |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2007|06:15 pm] |
Cat-Ass-Trophe (thanks jen) averted, Sir is fine. I think he just got into a fight and someone clawed his asshole.
Last night was weird and I'm glad it's over.
E, Old Man haircut on 18 year old boy, foot perv undoing people's shoes, aggro fighting, a small dose of the Fear.
I had fun for a few hours at least.
DIE STEEL DRUM, DIE. |
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